I LOVE Football

All I can say is Friday night under the lights is AMAZING! We won our opener and I got a picture. Sweet.

Best Ebay Auction Ever

Not sure if this has been posted on Kotaku or anything yet, but it's defenately a good read. This woman has 6 kids and is selling like 40 Pokemon cards because her kids put them in the cart while they were shopping and she didn't notice. It's amazing what a very well written, funny, and voerly sarcastic description will do, as the cards are now going for almost $150 and she's getting 14k hits. Her blog is mom2my6pack.blogspot.com.

I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneaked them into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended up buying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home. How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Let me explain.

You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids in tow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel, be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch, or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store. Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off as long as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering into your fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italian dressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going to the grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.

“The Lecture“ goes like this…

MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”

KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“

MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’re eating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing for dinner tonight.”

KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“

MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke the packages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physics and try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do not play baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly, do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”

OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.

Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear the baby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I push one cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter is not allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let her push the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had to be amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing. You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.

At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they all yours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!

“Oh my, you have your hands full.”

“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. In fact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.

We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artistically arranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistibly appealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannot help but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawn to this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascading down the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands my son holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazing at me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow! I never thought that would happen!”

I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tell you, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottom of the pile???”

“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom of the pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”

With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moon and instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me and remembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little more specific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.

A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those your kids?”

Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just started following me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”

OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’m tempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on a perpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes, breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point the chorus of “Can we gets” begins.

“Can we get donuts?”

“No.”

“Can we get cupcakes?”

“No.”

“Can we get muffins?”

“No.”

“Can we get pie?”

“No.”

You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just getting started.

In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and of course, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it and proceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put our hands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them. We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to have the child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage can around, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplace to dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.

In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Are all six yours?”

I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”

(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)

Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent. They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway through the store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cart races. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh “child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread, the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to get us kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is about to crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stacked with packages of cookies.

Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cereal aisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. After standing in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kids perused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastic toy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box. At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.

As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering his little body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart. I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering a brain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of the cart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say “influenza”?

The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between the kids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler has flung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my list without adding too many other goodies to the carts.

Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head for the check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we have candy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put a display of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level? Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.

As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids have sneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, a package of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t even have a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and ended up purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, the clerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”

Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out a check for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting them away and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answer her in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go around the neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store because it’s so much more fun that way.”

So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way home from the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total. They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soon as we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I tried carrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn't have any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a few creature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee hee hee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!) Anyway, I don't there's anything special about any of these cards, but I'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'm not letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.

Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I drop the package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. For example, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, or my daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s my responsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I take the envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fire to it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shreds it, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leave feedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happy to combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comes from a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me any questions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)

Happy Madden Release!

Well...yesterday Madden 08 was released. I'm not really a madden player myself, but it's such a HUGE release (sigh) that I post you THIS year old letter written from a player to John Madden because he was the worst rated player in Madden 07. Enjoy.










To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07


Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.


You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom.


It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?


I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.


I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.


John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.


Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.


I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.


Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.


Rot in Hell,


Ethan Albright

Eternal Sonata Demo

This was a lot better for me than Blue Dragon. The battle system was actually pretty fun. You get a certain amount of time to run around and use your attacks to hurt your opponent and heal your other party members. It's not as traditional of a style as Blue Dragon's turn-based boring battle system. The pre-rendered visuals look great, but when you're running around and the camera is above and following you, the graphics just aren't that impressive. I did like it overall though, and I think it's better than Blue Dragon.

Blue Dragon Demo

Let me start off by saying that I am by no means an RPG guy. I may come off as biased, but I'm trying to look at it at a whole. That being said, I didn't have too much fun. Graphically it looks good for what it is (very stylized.) All the creatures that you summon and fight all look very good in the cartoony aspect of the game. I didn't put a whole lot of time into, but only because there's not much for me to take out of it. I think young RPG gamers would like this; maybe Pokemon fans (despite me not being a Pokemon fan.) If you like these kinds of games, look into further and don't base your opinions on me. I'm thinking Eternal Sonata is going to be the same way.

Upcoming Demo Impressions

For those of you who care about my opinion, tonight I will unleash upon you, not 4, but 5(!) impressions on XBL demos. Yes it seems some are a little outdated since I just got my online working again, but hell, I'll do it anyway. Look for demo reviews of Bioshock, Stranglehold, Blue Dragon, Eternal Sonata, and last but certainly not least (for me anyways) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. These will be posted later tonight. Probably much later.

ZOMG New Brawl Character(s)

This is incredible original. You play as a pokemon trainer...kinda. the Pokemon trainer sits and watches the battle in the background (What does he do on the moving stages!?) You do the battling by switching bewtween 3 Pokemon; Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard. This is a very fresh idea, and even utilizes stamina. Sakurai hints that switching too often or not enough is bad for the Pokemon. Wow. Very cool.

The End of Pedro Gomez.

Everyone knows that last night Barry Bonds hit his record breaking 756th homerun to take the homerun record. Some people are dissatisfied with his accomplishment, calling it tainted or not legit. One person however must be really disappointed, and it is Pedro Gomez. Pedro Gomez is the reporter that has been following Barry Bonds around for several years now reporting on all of Barry's endeavors on and off the field. I have never seen Pedro Gomez talk about anything besides Barry Bonds, so I'm under the impression that Bonds is Pedro's career. I wish all the luck to Pedro Gomez from this day forward. And God Speed.

Fan Made Guitar Hero DS

This was posted over on GoNintendo.com. It's a fan made mock-up for a possible DS version of Guitar Hero. Looking at my DS, there really is nothing to plug the fret-board into besides the ac adapter slot in the back - which is also smaller on the DSLITE that it is on the DSPHAT. Don't think this would ever happen, although I do like the stylus strum bar.

High School Football

Tommorow is the first day of high school football. I'm a junior this year and am looking to have a real good season. I started varsity last year at linebacker, but am looking to maybe get the starting running back role this year as our "star runningback" is suspended five games for bad grades and dropping a bong or something. Can't wait. w00t. This is our logo, The Lourdes Knights:

Inevitable Harry Potter Impressions

Being an avid Harry Potter fan, I've decided to give my impressions on both the new book and the new(ish) movie. First the movie. I didn't know how they would fit the longest book into the shortest movie, but it really wasn't all that bad. I've never been a huge fan of the movies, but this one surprised me because there wasn't anything HUGE I noticed that they failed to put in.

The book was very sub par in my opinion when compared to the other one (other than the last handful of chapters.) It just kind of dragged on for me since it didn't take place at Hogwarts, and the action scenes were a little blah and felt thrown together and poorly detailed. She did however nail the ending battle scenes; at least for me. Overall it was alright, not the best, not the worst. Although I will say that the epilogue (or lack there of) is rubbish.

Subspace Emissary

Sakurai just broke down the floodgates. Today's Super Smash Bros. Update is none other than the revelation of a brand new robust adventure mode to compliment the multiplayer. Sakurai says:

"More than anything, Smash Bros. is a competitive action game. People have been kind enough to praise its multiplayer, but we’ve never been able to create a fully fleshed out single-player game.

This time, though, we’ve managed to create a complete side-scrolling action game. It’s storyline isn’t overwrought—it’s hastened along by a bunch of quick movies."

If you could not tell from my past blog updates, I am excited about this game. After this I think I'm more excited for this game than I have been for pretty much any game in recent memory. Cheers Nintendo. Cheers.

Ike Joins the Fray!

Woke up this morning to a huge surprise. Today a BRAND NEW character was announced for Super Smash Bros. Brawl. It is Ike from Fire Emblem (the inevitable replacement of Marth and/or Roy.) Never thought he would announce a brand new character before releasing all the old ones, but I'll take it.

Daily Brawl Update - DK Final Smash.

So naturally, DK's final smash deals with his popular* bongos. I was kind of into playing DK, but he never really stuck on as one of my mains when I picked out Peach, and later on Luigi. I think this Final Smash is decent, and seems to be the only one besides Pikachu's that involves the player's control.








Love the expressions on all the characters' faces. Great detail.

360 Woes.

So I did get my 360 back today. Problem is, it's a different refurbished one of course. That means I can't play my XBLA games on it, since it's a different serial number. Well that means I'm probably going to have to go through some long process to get my points back. And another thing, with my IP issues (thanks for trying to explain it to me El Moco, but I am NOT very smart) I'm not able to jump online with it. Yes today was bitter sweet.

I did however receive a FREE month of XBL for my trouble. I can't use it...Thanks Microsoft!

Podcasting Help - How to Help a n00b.

I've been listening to many podcasts for well over a year now, so naturally I've explored the idea of creating my own. I can do that...to the point of publishing. Sure I can use audio programs to create it, I can work with sound and all of that stuff, but I just can't for the life of me figure out how to publish it, get it on itunes, etc. Basically I'm looking for a producer to publish, or at least help and teach me step by step, a podcast about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. I can pay for a website beyond this one, and I would like someone to publish and even co-host the podcast. If you have any experience or know anyone who can help and would be willing to work on this project with me, please email me at jspanny@gmail.com

360 Returning - Or - Goddamn Internet

Yes my 360 is scheduled to be returned tomorrow, but of course my internet won't connect my other consoles online. It has something to do with the IP address (again) and I don't know how to fix it (besides rebooting my whole computer - again.) Needless to say, I'm happy to get my XBOX back, assuming my brother is around to sign for it while I'm at work, but without XBL, not much will be going on.

All Pro Football 2K8 Impressions

I'm not really a big football fan in terms of NFL. That being said, I don't have a favorite team (I hate the hometown Packers.) I enjoy football for what it is - a damn good sport. I play high school football, but that's about as far as it goes. Every once in a while I'll play Madden, but I'm not a yearly "subscriber" by any means, and the last Madden game I bought was 06 when it was about $10 used. APF2K8 is really a welcome surprise to me - it is a love-letter to football fans and perfectionists alike. I love variables when it comes to customization - the team creator does NOT disappoint.

Whether I'm playing with my Knights, Rhinos, or Stallions, I can basically take any mascot, make it any color, change the uniforms in any way, and never see another team quite like it. Sure there are limits in terms of complete customization (like not being able to type in a name for your team) because of the restrictions placed by the NFL, simply put, 2K sports doesn't own the rights. That being said though, you can still come close. Are you are fan of the Dolphins? Well maybe no dolphins, but you can make them the sharks, marlins, whales, or orcas. How about you Viking fans? Maybe you can live with the Norsemen? I mean, besides the logo differences, you can make the uniform and color schemes as accurate as you want.


Almost a viking...right?

The legends system is alright, but flawed in terms of depth. I can have 2 gold star players, but really who is going to pass up a gold star quarterback for a gold star lineman? Maybe someone who wants to focus on strong defense, but then your offense suffers when you have mediocre skill positions - the players that really matter. Lack of modes is another little downgrade. I wish there was a franchise, that way I could create a league of only my created teams (season mode is pretty shallow too.) The graphics are also kinda blah. The game runs fine, but everything is a little muddy and not quite right. Animations are good but sometimes get in the way and are annoying. Online is good like most 2K Sports games, and I love the fact that you never see the same team twice. That's right, no more people spamming the Patriots or the Chargers or what have you, the customization is great.

Overall I give this game a 6.5/10.